Category: parody


Spam-I-Am – A Seuss Parody

I haven’t done a full parody for a long time and as I had nothing better to do on a Saturday night, I now present to you my first  parody of a book. Dr Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham. My previous blog post shows where I found my inspiration.

JUNK MAIL AND SPAM

I am Spam

I am Spam
Spam I am

That Spam-I-am
That Spam-I-am!
I do not like
that Spam-I-am

Do you like
junk mail and spam?

I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.
I do not like
junk mail and spam.

Would you like it
Here or there?

I would not like it
here nor there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
junk mail and spam.
I do not like them,
Spam-I-am

Would you like it
in your house?
If you like it
click your mouse.

I do not like it
in my house.
I will not click it
with my mouse.
I do not like it
here nor there.
I do not like it
anywhere.
I do not like junk mail and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.

Would you buy pills
in a box?
Little blue ones
for your cock?

No to a box.
No to a cock.
Not in my house.
No clicky mouse.
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like junk mail and spam.
I do not like them, Sp­­­am­­-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
in a car?
Adverts! Listen!
Here they are.

I would not,
could not,
in my car

You may like them.
You will see.
You may like ads
made of trees?
I could not, should not waste the trees.
Nor in my car! You let me be.

I do not like ads on the box.
I do not like ads for hard cocks
I do not like ads in my house
I do not click ads with my mouse
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like junk mail and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.

Insane Great Dane
advert campaign
Could you, would you
still refrain?

No ad campaign! Nor made of trees!
Not in my car! Spam! Let me be!
I do not like ads on the box.
I do not like ads for hard cocks.
I will not click them with my mouse
I will not have ads in my house.
I do not want them here or there.
I do not want them anywhere.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.

Say!
In the park?
Here in the park!
On the billboard in the park?

I would not, could not,
in the park.

Will Facebook, Twitter,
link to brain?

I will not link Facebook to brain.
No ads in parks. No ad campaigns,
Not in my car, not made of trees.
I do not like it, Spam, you see.
Not in my house. Not on the box.
No clicky mouse. No hard-on cocks.
I will not have ads here or there.
I do not want them anywhere!

You do not like
junk mail and spam?

I do not
like them,
Spam-I-am.

Could you, would you,
on a float?

I would not,
could not.
on a float!

Product placement on
Murder She Wrote?

I could not, would not, on a float.
I will not watch Murder She Wrote.
I will not link Facebook to brain.
I will not watch the ad campaigns.
Not in the park! Not made of trees!
Not in my car! You let me be!
I do not like them on the box.
I do not like ads for hard cocks.
I will not have ads in my house.
I do not click them with my mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE!

I do not like
junk mail
and spam!

I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.

You do not like them.
SO you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may I say.

Spam!
If you will let me be,
I will try them.
You will see.

Say!
I hate junk mail and spam!
I do!! I hate them, Spam-I-am!
And still I hate them on a float!
And still I hate Murder She Wrote…
And I’ll ignore Facebook to brain.
And ads in parks. And ad campaigns.
And in my car. And made of trees.
They are so bad so bad you see!

So I’ll ignore them on the box.
And I’ll ignore ads for hard cocks.
And I’ll ignore them in my house.
And I’ll not click them with my mouse.
And I’ll not have them here and there.
Say! I’ll ignore them EVERYWHERE!

I do so hate
junk mail and spam!
So thanks but
No thanks,
Spam-I-am

Drowning In Advertising

Years ago, when we first got cable TV in Australia, one of the draw-cards was that there were no adverts on cable. Unfortunately, this has now changed. I flicked through the cable and free-to-air TV channels last night and saw a lot of adverts and not many programs.

My only escape, apart from our trusty DVD collection is the ABC. Fortunately, they have many fine programs, and we don’t even have to pay for the privilege, unlike the UK and their BBC TV license.

My computer used to be a safe, ad-free place, but now Facebook has adverts, so does YouTube, and almost everywhere I look online, someone wants my money.

My letter box spews forth a million more temptations. In the past two days I’ve received two free newspapers full of adverts, and if those weren’t enough, there were brochures inside those newspapers. I also got two tightly bound rolls of paper, yielding another thirty pieces of junk mail. Add to that; commercial TV and radio, the internet, and the odd, uninvited email, and I am drowning in advertising.

I’m reminded of the persistent Sam I Am of Dr Seuss’ Green Eggs And Ham, with a few liberties taken with the original words:

 

 

I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like junk mail and spam
I do not want it Spam I Am!

Unlike the outcome of the book, Spam I Am will not win me over with his constant nagging. Apart from the fact that I’ve got no money to spare, I want to make a stand against it on principle.

I am so irritated by the plethora of pamphlets and the abundance of advertising that I am going to buy a nice ‘NO JUNK MAIL’ sticker for my letter box. Perhaps if enough of us do this we can eventually cut down on the huge amount of  paper jammed into letter boxes every year. Let’s face it, most of it goes straight into the recycle bin without even being read! Businesses have enough outlets to peddle their wares, they do not need to invade our letter boxes too.

Now having read over all that, I think it’s official: I’ve turned into a grumpy old woman.

Running for charity

Lots of people are running for charity these days; not me, other younger and far more energetic people. Amongst those people are two fabulous comedians, Tim Minchin and Mark Watson.

Mark Watson recently ran a half marathon in my home town of Bristol, and those that sponsored him raised money for a small charity called The Moldova Project, set up by his sisters.

On October 10th, Tim Minchin is running the Royal Parks Half Marathon in London to raise money for the Prince’s Foundation for Children and the Arts.

Now, Tim and Mark are friends, so when Tim found out that Mark had completed his run in less than the two hours Tim was aiming for, he decided he had to beat Mark’s time and now has a new goal of 1 hour 45  minutes. There’s a £150.00 bet riding on it. If Mark’s time of 1 hour 50 is quickest, Tim will donate to Mark’s charity and if he beats it, then Mark will donate that amount to Tim’s chosen charity.

The idea of this friendly rivalry tickled my parody bone and after a long break from parody writing I was prodded into action by a fellow Tim and Mark fan to get writing again.

I picked the song Da Do Ron Ron Ron and using the friendly ‘bet’ between the comedians as my theme, this is what I came up with.

I’m a musical comedian trying to stay slim
I do run run run, I do run run
Let me introduce myself, my name is Tim
I do run run run, I do run run

Yeah, I’m not a SIM
Yeah, my name is Tim
I live in London
I do run run run, in London-don

I have a friend and nemesis who lives close by
He too run run runs, he too run runs
He looks so weedy, but my oh my
He can run run run, he can run run

Yeah, he’s quick alright
Yeah, soon out of sight
When he races me home
Mark Watson son son, Mark Watson son

He ran a half a marathon in quite good time
Mark Watson son son, he did run run
On October 10th I’m gonna beat his time
I will run run run, half-marathon

We’ve got a bet on it
Cash to Moldova or kids?
And you can sponsor me too
On the run run run run, half marathon

I’m not sure if they actually do live close to each other, but if they don’t then the racing each other home bit is artistic license okay?


Pondering in my helmet

Today was a glorious sunny day in Queensland. It’s officially the first day of winter on June 1. But today was about 22 degrees C. I love the Queensland winter.

Anyway, I was starting to get withdrawal symptoms from going too long between trike rides, so today we had a long day out on the trike. First we rode to Redcliffe for coffee and a cake. In case you’re interested, I had a latte and a very tasty strawberry and custard tart. Chris had a cappuccino and a double chocolate chip muffin. Very bad for the cholesterol, but sometimes you just have to live a little. We sat in the sunshine and talked about family stuff, and watched the water; that is how morning teas should be, every weekend.

After our morning tea we watched the water for a bit longer, then we rode into the hinterland to Woodford where we stopped for a wee break and a potter around a collectables store, there we took a trip down memory lane in the LPs section, Howard Jones, Spandau Ballet, The Thompson Twins, and The Sweet. It was tempting, but we didn’t buy anything. Our next stop was Daybro. As luck would have it, there was a festival going on at Daybro. We stopped there for a wander around the stalls of pickles and porcelain, arty-farty stuff and hippy jewellery, pony rides and even helicopter rides. We resisted all the temptations and had a late lunch, then made our way back home.

What I love about being on the back of the trike is that I can just sit and ponder. Inside my helmet today, my thoughts ranged from passively admiring the scenery, to worrying whether my new job would extend past Christmas, to wondering if our daughter will pass her driving test next week, and if she does, should she be allowed to borrow my car? There were also some silly thoughts, like that it’s weird that I hate not knowing where I am when I’m driving, but I don’t care about being lost when I’m with Chris on the trike.

But what I thought about the most was that we really should make time for more days like today, before bad health decides for us. You see, over the past few weeks a couple of our friends have had health problems. I should add that these friends are not much older than us, and that I don’t feel old, but I know that I’m middle-aged; I’ve been to the hairdressers this week to hide the grey evidence.

Since turning forty I have made an effort to enjoy life and follow my interests. I re-found my old favourite band, Depeche Mode, I started visiting internet forums to talk to other fans of things that interest me. I started writing parodies on and off. Last year I wrote a novel in a month, which sadly, six months later is still in draft mode.  And two and a half years ago I found comedy, which is a bit like finding religion; but not. And I suppose I’ve become a bit obsessed with it, I didn’t think anything could surpass my love of music and my Depeche Mode fandom, but Tim Minchin was my gateway to a whole new world of comedic entertainment that kept me sane for the last two years of my old job.

I wonder what will keep me feeling young for the next few years? Will my DMOCD and TMOCD eventually wane? Will it be replaced with something or someone new? Do I need to have these interests to enjoy life? I think I do. As our friends are falling by the wayside with one illness or another, I’m reminded of my Mum once telling me that she purposely leaves news of people in her life being sick, and dying out of her letters because it’s so damn depressing, and I don’t know these people. She told me that when people around her are dropping like flies she’s so glad that she can still walk the dog and do her own decorating and stuff. Simple things.

My Ten Year Self Improvement Challenge also reminds me to keep striving to make things better for myself, but there’s nothing like the thought of my mortality to remind me to live while I still can.

Reading that back, I’m not sure if it sounds entirely positive. So to lighten the mood here’s an old parody I wrote of the DM song, Little Fifteen.


Little fishy

Oh, you must forget

The world outside

Because you must stay wet

You won’t stay alive

If you run away

To a happier plaice 😀

It will be your last day

Because you will find

It’s not your style

You cannot stay here

Not even for a while

Little fishy


Little fishy

I know that you’ve had it tough

I forget your food

Your tank is not clean enough

But you don’t mind

Thoughts are out of your league

Can’t make sense of the world

And it’s little intrigues

You can’t understand

‘Cos you don’t have the means

3 seconds go by

And you forget what you’ve seen

You dill

Little fishy


Little fishy

I think I’ll get you a friend

You’ve feelings inside

Why pretend

You’ll improve your life

With a wife to share kisses

Then soon there will be

More little fishes

They will have your fishy eyes

They will have your fishy smile

They will tell fishy lies

Every once in a while

Little fishy

The spelling of plaice is intentional. My little fishy joke. 😉